Dear Future Husband

Every failed relationship and every failed not-quite-relationship that Ive had in my life all had good parts to it. I like to think that when I find the perfect man, he will have all or most of the qualities I loved about the guys I've been into in the past. I think it will go like this....

My perfect man is out there somewhere. He's close by. He grew up in this part of town. He's with someone now and he thinkshe's happy with her but deep down he knows she's  not the right one for him. Maybe he's had a bad day today like me too...maybe he's fighting with his girlfriend because they just aren't as compatible as they should be. Maybe he's getting in his car right now to drive around because driving clears his head.He pulls the seat belt across his broad shoulders and there's frustration in his blue eyes. He's listening to Alice in Chains, Deftones, or Three Days Grace because they make him feel better. He's working up the courage to leave her. In the next year, he will leave her and 3 months later, he will find me. We will hit it off right away and he will want to see me as often as I want to see him. We will see each other late at night because we are both night owls; and on the weekends he'll want to meet up with me too. We will both be cautious at first because we will both think its too good to be true. I'll question if he's into me, but my friends will smile and say I have nothing to worry about, he digs me. He will listen to the songs on the radio and think about me. I will hear all those melodic Incubus songs and think about him. Maybe he already has a young daughter and doesn't want any more kids. I'll make him feel alive and he will make me feel at peace. We will meet in September or October, and he will have decided he wants me to be his girlfriend  before the year is over. We will sit around, singing to all the songs on the radio or Pandora, because we know them all by heart. There are strange coincidences between our lives and we will both secretly wonder how it is we haven't met yet because we've hung out at the same places in the past. He may not be society's definition of attractive, but I'll find him extremely attractive. I'll tell myself its no big deal at first, he's just a guy, but really, I can't stop thinking about him. Neither of us will be able to keep our hands off each other when we're together-even if he just has his arm around me, or his hand on my knee.
  • Current Music
    Incubus "Stellar"

shes bathing in the neon, and you know everybody wants her, so I shouldnt even bother

I am SO over self loathing men with low self esteem, emotional baggage, and trust issues. The next guy had better be happy, have his life together, be headed somewhere in life and have a plan to get there. When I look into his enchanting eyes, I dont want to see a big void of darkness or sadness. Im tired of spending so SO much time trying to lift someone up *ALL* the time. Its exhausting! I want him to be understanding and trust me. I wont give him any reason to distrust me. I'll communicate and be honest, as long as he is too.

I'm not ever giving up something I love for someone I love. In the 3 years 9 months I was with Josh (and actually it was less than that....3 years even is probably more like it since we broke up twice in between) I gave up painting, digital art, and I never got back into horseback riding, like I wanted to and always said I would. I still kept up with the Windstone forum when I could. He wasn't supportive of any of my hobbies though. Since we've broken up, I find myself saying a lot, "I used to...." a lot, and finishing the sentence with something good and fun that I did prior to us getting together.

I was thinking this last night. Here's a tad bit of homework for you. Finish this statement "I dont_____________ anymore" and come up with 5 things you dont do anymore that you are better off for not doing. Aside from "syntax", "anymore" is becoming my favorite word. It shows growth and change. It can show regression too, when you put in something positive "I don't (give to charity) anymore" but put in something negative, "I dont (do drugs) anymore" and youve got growth.

I too have been treading water for the last 3-4 years with Josh, waiting on my LIFE to start, waiting on "our" LIFE together to start. Waiting on him to propose, waiting on me to get my shit together. You know what, none of that ever happened until we seperated. The Navy will be a good thing for him. If we're meant to get back together, we will. I hope he  comes back a better man-the man I saw in him all along...and I hope he realizes what a bad boyfriend he was and begs for another chance. That's 4+ years away, so Im not too worried about it right now.

Right now, I'm worried about myself. I am going to focus on myself, and see where things go with that other new guy. If they develop into a relationship (which, my all seeing eye sees that it will as long as I can keep calm and collected), then I SWEAR to myself, that I won't let our relationship interfere with school.
  • Current Mood
    irate irate

Random Thoughts

I keep having random angsty, bitter thoughts running through my head. The kind of thing I  might usually post publically..but seeing how almost no one sees/reads this, and how it makes me feel better to post it anyway, here you are.

*You can shine your Cadalliac, another way
...with the last drop....
....of spit.
....that I had in my mouth.
I was watching all your TV shows, the night I said good bye,
to the wold I know......
you can dye your hair tonight,
another way.
to match the color of-
the ground.
....that I am burried in....*

*I like gypsy moths, and radio talks, 'cuz it doesn't remind me of anything...* -radio head

I'm glad, that, on my emotionally weak days, everyone I want to see is busy or not answering. Its good for me to be alone on days like allows me to build my strength back up.

You belong with me, I belong with you. It may not be forever, but it will be the best thing either of us have ever had.

As long as she/he can hurt you, then you aren't over her/him.

*If you've never stared off into the distance, then your life is a shame.
I could never, forget your face, sometimes I cant remember my name.* -counting crows "Ms. Potter's Lullabye

*She said 'I love you' with her hands, she said, 'I hate you' with her eyes*-Evans Blue

"Linsey, you're not here with me, you're not on this same're not down on the field, you're up in the bleachers, watching Life, watching my life."
"You're a great therapist. I hope your hourly rate isnt too hight" -Stan

*Will it change your life, if I change my mind?*-Evans Blue "Beg"

man, I am loving Evans Blue this week. And AIC.



(no subject)

I'm feeling ferocious today....and I need to rant and vent and you know, Facebook just isnt the place for that. People get all "o.O um like...." when you post honest, real, things on there. We all have days like this. My head is full today, after talking with STAN for 3 hours last night, and after this morning.

Part I
Dad wakes me up at 6Am to move the car. I know I need to get up by 8:30, so I figure I might as well just stay awake. I can lay in bed and get on my phone, or just lay there staring at the artwork on the walls, day dreaming and such. I texted a few people, ate some breakfast, pet the cats, and went back to bed. I thought I would put on Pandora and listen to music to keep me from falling back asleep. I put on my "Iron and Wine: Love and Some Verses" station, which plays melodic, acoustic, folk music. It conjures up emotions I though I had euthanized....feelings of love and vunerability. I skip to the next song....I listened to 3 songs before I was remembering how in love with Isaac and later with Josh I was, and how I opened up my soul to Josh, how I gave him every part of me and searched for more to give, and how I always felt it want ENOUGH for him! My heart starts to hurt and I start to feel my chest cooling off, inching towards cold. I paused, breathed, and shoved those feelings back down into that damp basement into which I fell after my wings were seared off. (yes thats a refrence to a poem I wrote about Josh, and how he fell out of the sky, and landed in a dark basement, and how I was trying to give him wings again) So I get angry thinking how I gave him more of myself than anyone, and how he ended it. And now hes oh so busy and cant see me. Yeah. Then I start thinking about Mike, how I texted him last night, twice, and no reply. Twice today and no reply. Its been 22 hours and I KNOW hes awake because hes been posting crap on facebook. I start re-living last Thursday night, how we talked and talked, until he pulled me close to him and we cuddled. We watched a movie and kept talking. We finished that movie, put on another one, and he fell asleep. I turned off the TV and fell asleep myself. I started thinking about what happened in the morning-which was nice.

I come over, and he meets me outside, and hugs me. I get inside, and hes got all the lights off, except a big red candle lit. Romantic atmosphere. Nothing happened that night! I dont even think we kissed that its not like he called me over to his place with ulterior motives. I start looking for reaons he might just be using me or not like me....well, not using me-Id be getting *more* late night phone calls or invitations....or a phone call at all. He doesnt like to answer. He flat out told me he likes me...has for a long time....and when its just me and him, he's sweet, attentive, tells me things that seem personal. I get treated like a girl he likes, or even treated like a girlfriend. Its like he lets his gaurd down when Im around, (which is always post 1AM) and then in the morning, or the next day its like the carriage turns back into a pumpkin, and he puts on that "cool guy" façade. *rolls eyes* And I usually dont hear from him for days but its not like Im texting him either.

He IS the first guy Ive pursued who *ACTUALLY* has similar interestes, goals and dreams for the future as me....who agrees with me politically and religiously, whose self esteem is intact, and who doesnt seem to have a heavy sadness behind his eyes. Its kind of nice. If we do end up dating, it will be nice to not have to constantly try to bring up his self esteem.

Relationships: If you have to give up your hobbies/interests, friends or any big part of your life for that person, U R doin in wrong. When and if love fades, you need concrete things to talk about. If you give up something you love for someone you love, you'll always begrudge them for that-even if you dont realize it until later.

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    angry angry

ABCs of Mornings

Random thing I started thinking. I got as far as E in my head before I decided to post it here....

A is for Awake
B is for breakfast
C is for coffee
D is for doughnut
E is for energy shot
F is for Forgetting your keys
G is for Going to work
H is for Having
S is for Slowly
T is for taurine
U is for
W is for Why did I get out of bed?
X is for 'Xcuse
Y is for

maybe I'll finish this later...ran out of ideas for now.


Today I ponder exclusivity. What in us drives us to want it in a relationship? Even a heterosexual type relationship, people want to know that they have at least one person who is their best friend, and "theirs" alone. I have come up with a few possibilities for this....
1. Insecurity-"you like me and only me, right? right?..."
2. Narcissism-"you like *ME* and ONLY me, got it? Cuz Im awesome"
3. Posessesiveness-"I want you, your attention, all of it, and you cant pay attention to anyone else of the opposite sex"
stars in hand

Sleep is personal

Sleeping beside someone is more personal than having sex with them. Granted, sex is still very personal, but to sleep beside someone-that takes it a step beyond. When a person sleeps, they are at their most vunerable...they have let their defenses down. People do and say things in their sleep that is governed by their subconcious mind.

These next statements are meant to be taken in a "general" sense, not a "moment to moment" kind of way. The way you sleep speaks about how you view yourself, the world, and your relationship to the world.
If you sleep on your back, it says you are open to whatever life and the world throws at you.
If you sleep on your side, with your back to a wall, it says you are feeling threatened, or attacked.
If you sleep on your side, holding a pillow or stuffed animal, it says you are afraid of getting hurt. You are protecting your heart and vital organs....

more on this later.

The Rules and Laws of Attraction

To keep things simple, and to avoid swiching pronouns all over the place, I am going to write this from a woman's point of view, and talk about "he".
I used to think attraction was simple....see good looking/hot guy, talk to him, if he reciprocates, keep talking; see if his personality is compatible with yours... if not, or if he doesn't reciprocate, move on. (I mean, this is watered down to the basics of course). This year has taught me enough about attraction to know I was all wrong. Usually the people you like, you think they are cute/hot/sexy/ find them aesthetically pleasing. Basically, you like the way they look AND you like their personality. You will admit it as much as I will, but we are all vain. That ugly guy with the great personality-you're going to "friend zone" him. The hot guy with the so-so personality, you will be all over him. Don't even deny it. Of course, there are all the in betweens...the....well he's not super cute, he's kinda cute but his awesome beyond awesome personality makes up for what he lacks aesthetically. Then there's the curve balls...those people that you logically don't find attractive (he's too skinny/too fat, too tall/short, doesn't like the things I do etc) but chemically, he sets your hormones in action and turns you on....and the inverse of that, the man you DO find logically attractive-there are things about his personality, and his physique that you DO like...but you are weirded out by him or just otherwise  not physically attracted to him. That's an odd one...the "well he's hot/cute AND he likes the things I like, but he just doesnt do it for me"...and frustrating, because oh if only there were fireworks when he kissed you instead of a wet match.

I guess the only thing you can do on all those confusing situations is to go with it...if you like the guy and he turns you on-why the hell not? Go with it (this only applies if you're single :P I dont condone cheating) If he doesn't, then its probably best to abandon ship and not worry over it. Easier said than done I know. I remember Jay Leno once posing the question of "What if we all had different shaped genitals? Some people had circular ones, some people had square or star shaped get into bed with someone and you're like, 'oh....this isn't going to work'" In one aspect, that would simplify things, but in another, it would complicate things. I dont know how I was originally going to tie that tidbit into what I was saying, but either way, its quittin' time, and c'est ça!
stars in hand

This weekend was crazy! It was as great as it was awful.

The bad
I had to move. The movers were supposed to show up at 11AM and be done after 2 hours. It took them 4 hours (although I only paid for 3 after complaining), and they still didn't get everything. Ended up costing me another $100 in movers fees, gas, mileage etc. I didn't get much sleep the whole weekend, so on Monday (today) I'm exhausted as a result. I literally feel like I'm out of gas, and about to stall by the side of the road. I feel like I've been sleeping with my eyes open all day-and even at 6pm when I get off work, the day still won't be over. I still have to go back to my apartment and work some more. I am in need of something with insane amounts of caffein-or better yet, Taurine. Yeah! Chloe got so very stressed on the car ride to the new place that I literally thought she was going to die. Her eyes were unfocused, she was panting, she stopped meowing, she had her cheek laid up against the bars of the carrier, and so one eye was closed. I lost control of my car on the wet streets twice trying to get her home faster. Luckily shes doing okay now. The hot water in the bathroom was out, so I had no hot water in which to take a shower with. I got trapped in my cave by a giant  2 inch long big ugly roach. I swear I was an aphid in a previous life...there's no other way to explain my phobia (irrational fear) of these little bugs. I literally almost had a panic attack. I could feel the anxiety building in my veins and chest. I started to get light headed...pretty lame, yes, but I can't help it. I'm not afraid of anything else least nothing dumb. Put me in a field with a lion, my adrenelyn would get to pumping.
The good

of this weekend-I did get a lot settled in at my new place, Chester has already adjusted (am I really surprised? No.) Chloe, as mentioned is doing fine now. Still pretty nervous about being in a new place, but shes relaxing quickly. None of my furniture got very scratched up-certainly not like the last move when I had a big white scratch down the entire front of my dresser, and multiple knicks and dings in the rest of my black furniture. The bottoms got a bit messed up, but Im not too worried about it considering the movers were a grey haired man and two 16 year old boys who didnt even have their drivers licences yet. *rolls eyes* The best part of the weekend was Friday night. I got invited over to Mike's apartment for a party he was having....which I was really shocked about because he and I have hung out so rarely and because I haven't seen him in maybe 5 years. I got there and was surprised to see another person I haven't seen in quite some years named Ashford...I didn't expect Ashford to even remember me because he was just an aquaintance, but as soon as I walked in the door, he greeted me by name and hugged me O.O cool! These people are "normal"....they're not into weird quirky things, or intelligent/science areas of interest...they are, by some standards, "boring" but when I am around independent, quirky, smart people all the time, being around "normal folks" or "lilly pads" as I call them (because they just float on the surface of life hehe) is a nice change of scenery too from time to time. I appreciate many facets of human personality types.

At this party, there was beer pong, hooka, hip hop music, "cool" guys with tattoos of skulls, eagles and other popular images, pretty girls with names like Celeste and Brittany, people doing shots of blood vodka and Seagrams, and general socializing. Some drama happened, but I wasn't involved in it, and I didn't cause it, so it was nooo problem for me! :D Since it was Mike's place, he was very stressed about it. He lost his wallet and thought someone stole it (it was under his bed or something-must have fallen out of his pocket), another guy (when most people were drunk) had a gun in his hand (he was moving it out of the way because there were a lot of people around-which, is the responsible thing to do) but jumping to conclusions, people (myself included) just saw a drunk guy with a gun-and understandably, freaked out. Something else happened with a girl and her boyfriend named Sam, but no one would talk about it. She walked stormed in crying and said "Sam, I need you!" as she slammed the door to the bedroom. Shocked, he followed her. Don't know what that was about. *shrug*

People started leaving about 3-5AM. Mike invited me to a movie the next day. I took it with a grain of salt because he was super drunk, and ended up passing out in his bed, but surprisingly, the next day, he texted me, and said the movie was still a go! Plans got chnged a lot, and the movie ended up being sold out (we were going to see Ted) so all in all we went to Olde City Pub, drank, played Pong, listened to some live music, and I ran into two guys I went to elementry school with! They, very shockingly, both remembered me by name! I mean, I remembered them too, but that's not unusual. I remember people-especially if I met you prior to 2004, my memory was better. I was tired from no sleep Friday night/Saturday morninig, and dealing with the movers on Saturday, so the night ended at around 2:30AM or so. Mike said he would text me later this week (hopefully to make plans for the weekend?) But either way, I'm excited to see him again. :)  

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    exhausted exhausted

Chronicle of Friday

This is mostly for myself, to be able to keep track of days. It also allows you to spy on me and know what Ive been up to hahahahhahahahhahaha okay yeah.

Tuesday I went to work, got off work, went home, changed clothes, grabbed a spare set of "around the house" clothes, and an arsenal of cleaning supplies and went to Mom's (well my parents house, but I feel less lame saying Mom's, so deal with it!!) house. We chit chated a little, I cooked us some spinach and motzerella quiche, and we went through boxes in what will soon be my cave and new bathroom at her place after I move back in with her -_- We worked until about 11PM. I went home, showered and went to bed.

Wednesday, I got up a little earlier and took my car to Copperfield Goodyear to find out what the rattling noise is. Their computers were down so I had no idea about a quote. I left there, went home, changed and went to work. While at work I received the email from Goodyear with the quote. I was quoted $3941 to fix it. They were claiming that the suspension needed work, the shocks and struts were out, the transmission mount was broken, I needed 8 new control arms (left and right upper and lower) and $999 of that was labor. I was in shock. Allison told me to call her buddy at Select Automotive. I left work and went directly over to Jimmy John's in Klein to fill out an application. I filled out the application, thanked the manager, and went over to Dominos. I chatted with Kathy, Wayne and Little Mike. A mutual friend and former co worker had passed away on June 1st from lung cancer we were talking about the logistics of the funeral/service. It rained buckets and hailed a little. I left there and went to Mom's where she tempted me with home made, from Grandma's garden, fried green tomatoes. Ive been waiting years to eat them again. They were better than I remembered. I left there, went home, and met Josh. He hadn't seen me since last Friday and according to him, that was a long time. Lets just see how he reacts when he doesn't see a familiar face for months. Yeah. We hung out a bit and watched part of The Time Traveller's Wife. I couldn't finish it, it was getting sad and emotional. He left, I slept.

Yesterday, Thursday, what did I do? I woke up, rolled out of bed, and called Allison's friend at Select Automotive. He told me it would be $850 to do all the same stuff Goodyear was saying I needed to have done, but that was without looking at the car. I called AT&T to find out how much my bill is...$408. Bloody hell. Luckily thats for at least 2 months, hopefully 4 at that rate.

I rushed over to work as I slept later than I intended. Work was good, and routine. I left there and went directly over to Sally Beauty Supply to procure some turquoise hair color. Unfortunatly, because Im over 21 and I have a "real job" of sorts, I can't DYE my hair awesome colors but I thought maybe some temporary stuff would be good. I left with some temporary hair color, some press on nails with a city skyline on them, neon purple nail polish, blue glitter top coat nail polish, and some sea green eye shadow. I went into Target next door looking for new ponies. None I dont have. I did find Amelie for cheap! I haven't seen that movie since 2006 or 2007ish! I thought it would be nice to watch that in bed that evening. I went home to try the hair color only to find its like hair spray. My hair is dark, and therefore it takes a ton of this stuff to show up. Even then, it makes my hair thick and sticky. Yuck. Abandoning that idea, I washed it out.

I had invited Josh over for dinner-steak and velveeta macaroni. He totally forgot and was off visiting Tall&Ugly. I was indifferent-it was about 8:30pm anyway. It would give me a chance to do some groccery shopping. I went to Krogers about 9:00 and got some stuff I wanted/needed. I return home about 10:00pm, to find two strange black men climbing my stairs. I paniked for a moment, thought to call the cops, but first wanted to give them just cause to come out. I called out to the men climbing the stairs to my apartment and as it turns out, they were Jeff, a person who is interested in leasing my apartment, and his friend. I had NO warning, no notice, no heads up that anyone would be stopping by late at night. Especially two strange men Ive never met before-white, black, red or purple, I dont want strangers in my apartment when I'm alone. Just the same, I showed him the place and we chatted for a bit. He and his friend left at 10:30.

I put away grocceries and started making low carb mini pizzas. About this time, Josh shows up. He fixed himself a drink, took a shower and sat down to watch some How I Met Your Mother, at my suggestion. I finished the mini pizzas and tried to make some cookies. I say tried because they came out too dry...and I was hoping for some whole wheat cookies, but realized after the fact that I had no whole wheat flour, it had weevels in it and I had to toss it last week. LAME!! Josh had been drinking and I wanted him to stay but he *needed* to go home. He wanted to stay but needed to go. Hes always been better at putting his needs over his wants than I have. He left, I stayed in bed and slept, without watching Amelie.

Today, Friday, I happily realized it was Friday and that its pay day! Granted I knew I couldn't have any fun with my check because I owed it to someone, but thats a little less I'll owe to the universe. I took my car down to Allison's friend in the hood (Acres Homes...thats the hood to me! ah, suburban problems) He looked at my car and told me I had some minor things wrong with it and I could actually afford to get it fixed today! Hooray! So I left it with him and he was super kind and gave me a ride to work in his tow truck ^_^ I got to work at 11:15, and Ive been here since. After this, Mom is picking me up, taking me to pick up my Trans Am, and then I might go over to Suzanne's to help her with housework in preparation for tomorrow. If not, I'll be going home and packing up some stuff Ive sold on ebay in the last few weeks. I'm usually good about getting that stuff shipped out but Ive been so busy lately I haven't had time! I am baking cupcakes for Jost's birthday on the 10th, which will take up the rest of my night.

Saturday is the pony meet, and the Series Six/Black Kennedy show at Spirits, and Sunday....gosh, hopefully housework and relaxation!
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    annoyed annoyed