wolfenmachine (wolfenmachine) wrote,
wolfenmachine
wolfenmachine

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Turning Over a New Leaf


Friday is supposed to be a good day-a great day! I dont have work or school and I get paid on Friday, so when I wake up, I text Wells Fargo and they text back "Liek OMG you've got cash" yay! OK not literally but they do have a useful automated texting service to check your balance with. Friday is a day for me-a day to do whatever I want. This Friday I slept late (check) checked the forums online (check) played with the kitties (check) and went to Suzanne's to watch cartoons and squee. She had to leave for work at 2:30 so from there I packaged up a Ruby Old Warrior and some other things Ive sold and took them to the post office. $50+ later I was on my way to Mom's house. I finally got there about 6:00PM. He told me to take my time, he was hanging out with his friends.  

I loaded up my car and went home. I guess it was around-IDK 9:15 when I got home. The rest of the night, which lasted until maybe 1:00AM was very unpleasant. A certain someone lied and faltered. SO not only was I upset, I was very dissapointed and angry.

This mornining about 4:15AM, I awake to Josh telling me bye. He's leaving for work. He doesnt normally work on Saturdays but he did today to get some more hours in. I couldn't sleep after that. I had been having nightmares all night/morning long. I felt haunted when Josh left and I did *NOT* want to be alone. Thankfully Goblin and Chloe kept me company. I turned my rain music on and the TV-nothing is on at 4AM-but around 4:30 or 5:00 Family Matters and Full House come on, so I watched some of those shows until I fell asleep again. I woke up again at 9:00ish and decided to get up. Friday night I felt so apathetic and dead I thought about sleeping all through Saturday and wasting it.

I've had such apathy lately. I've spent too much on my credit card, Ive been spending money in my savings-Ive been shoving things into spaces instead of folding it neatly or placing it neatly, just so, in its home. Josh and I (mostly I) have so much stuff in this huge 2 bedroom apartment, it seems small. High levels of organization are manditory for maintaining a neat looking living space. Ive been brushing everything off-Ive even been half an hour late to work one day because I couldnt make myself get off the internet and forums. I hate it-I was doing so good being early and on time, being responsible-and then it got thrown away.

Josh keeps talking about how he's going to "turn over a new leaf". Quit his habits, exercise, eat better, drink less beer. I was really proud of him and was beginning to get faith in him. I saw him turn down opportunities to misbehave, I saw him pass on the beer on a few times, and we went for a 2 mile jog/walk together and he went for a 2 mile run the next day when I was too tired to go with him.

I was so inspired by his efforts to be a better person, I thought I might try trimming up my own habits and personality flaws as well. One thing that's not good about me is that Im VERY sentimental. Now less than ever. I used to save candy wrappers because the candy was eaten on a memorable day. But in the last few moves Ive made, I cant remember the significance of everything, so I threw it away.

Now-one thing that I think every person, even Josh is sentimental about is photographs. I have a big drawer FULL of photographs-all the way back to elementry school. They have been sitting in their envelopes for years-I never look at them. So I decided to purchase a photo album to display the pictures in. I also decided that many of the pictures could be gotten rid of because I either forgot who the people were in the pics or it was just time to let go of old memories. Like Ray Bradbury in Dandelion Wine talks about Old Mrs. Brown. She hangs on to everything just like me. The neighborhood kids don't believe her when she says she was once young like them. She goes to her house and fetches a small ring, a comb and a photograph. The kids still dont believe her, even with the photograph as proof. They think those things must belong to some other little girl 'here and now' so they steal them. Mrs. Brown is so heart broken. She goes home and cries. That night she has a vision of her departed husband telling her that those were just things-and saving them will only hurt her. Those things arent doing her any good, so she should get rid of them.

So thats exactly what Im doing. I must have thrown away a hundred or more photographs. It hurt, gathering them up off the floor and dumping them into the trash can-but I'm 24, nearly 25 years old, and High School was 6 nearly 7 years ago. Its time to let go. People whom I had a long history with, or parted on good terms with-I kept their picture to preserve the memory of that person but many went the way of the Dodo bird.

HOLY COW! Its 3:00AM! Well, Im off to take my contacts out and finish labeling the pictures Ive put into the album. I sat down and took the ones I decided to keep and arranged them chronologically by  year, roughly. 2005 and parts of 2006 were a blur for me so those years are a bit fuzzy but the rest of them were pretty easy to figure out approximately when they were taken. I started the album with some misc elementry school pics and now Im up to Sophmore Year in High School. I'm hoping I can fit iSophomore, Junior and Senior years into this album. Hobby Lobby had some lovely photo albums for $6.99 each so I got two, knowing I have a ton of pictures. I may have to go back and get a third one to put Switzerland pictures into and use it for a travel album. I'm hoping to go with my aunts and cousins to New York for Spring Break and I want to visit Washington State or Oregon in the realistic near future (next year or two) I'm going to Italy in the summer of 2012 and at some point I'm hoping Josh will take me to Tennisee. I'd like to go back to Switzerland too, and see Maria's new house for myself, and bring Josh. With as much as he loves cheese and pretty out door scenery, he'd love it there. Ha-maybe that can be my 5 year Anniversairy present to him. I mean, shoot thats 2013. I'll just be done with school and will have some money saved up. Shhh-dont tell him what Im plotting! lol Yeah my plans never pan out.

Remind me to tell you about Annabell and the wrecked car. Pretty crazy.
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