wolfenmachine (wolfenmachine) wrote,

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>>>I miss____who you were)))))(((((but not__ who you +are+

Ive learned a lot from being with Josh. I just wish sometimes he could learn from me.
Ive realized in a real kind of way-a way that kicks in, sets in and settles in, that when people leave your life-either they die, go away, or for whatever reason, stop talking to you, Ive decided that usually when you loose touch with someone you were VERY close to, its hard to rekindle that old flame and get back to where you were in the relationship, once time has passed. So, having said that, Ive decided to take my good memories and throw the rest away. Its kind of like an old car: No sense in throwing away the whole car when parts of it are still salvageable.

Here is a nice little look into my head on one such of these pleasant memories.

It was 2004 and Kyle and I must not have been dating very long. It was still cool outside. I snuck over to his house one night. We were very quiet so we wouldn't wake anyone up. He showed me his college books, and told me about this rad dream he had where he was a vampire, and there were other vampires.
We eventually migrated upstairs and sat on the hallway that looked out both into the living room and the entryway. There was a noise. I froze.

"Whats that?!" I whispered.
"Um. Its the ice maker." Kyle replied.
"The ice maker?"
"Yeah. You know, it puts water into the thing and it freezes, dumps it out......and then it makes MORE ice!" He looked at me as if I were stupid for not knowing what that sound could be.

I BURST out laughing! ...as quiet as possible. He continued to stare at me like I was crazy.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
In between laughter, I spurt out, "...and then it makes MORE ice!" It must have been the way he said it, but it was the funniest thing I had ever heard-and I laughed until my stomache hurt, tears ran from my eyes and I coudn't breathe well.

Afterwards, I snickered about it for years. He always gave me the same "omg you're still laughing about that?" look.

I enjoy that memory because it still held the new excitement of being with a new person that you wanted to be with so badly-and because it was a happy, simple memory, and because, sitting up there on that balcony, we might as well have been sitting on the moon, looking down at all the people of earth, pointing and laughing. Spending time with someone during the night time hours makes it feel more private and intimate for me. It was like Kyle and I were in an exclusive club and no one was allowed in. 

So, in conclusion, I dont miss Kyle, or any of the people who used to be so important to me. Ive finally moved on. I miss the good times we had, but all of those people-Ali, Scott, Jacqueline, Kristen, Lyndsey, Brittany, Jennifer-they're all gone. The people they used to be are dead-and I don't care much to get to know the people they are now. I would love to know what Jennifer is up to-but I doubt Ill ever find her. I just want to know that she's not doing drugs and stealing cars anymore-that she's at peace with her life. I'd love to have an afternoon to have lunch with her and talk-just so I know she's okay.


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