wolfenmachine (wolfenmachine) wrote,

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I'm feeling ferocious today....and I need to rant and vent and you know, Facebook just isnt the place for that. People get all "o.O um like...." when you post honest, real, things on there. We all have days like this. My head is full today, after talking with STAN for 3 hours last night, and after this morning.

Part I
Dad wakes me up at 6Am to move the car. I know I need to get up by 8:30, so I figure I might as well just stay awake. I can lay in bed and get on my phone, or just lay there staring at the artwork on the walls, day dreaming and such. I texted a few people, ate some breakfast, pet the cats, and went back to bed. I thought I would put on Pandora and listen to music to keep me from falling back asleep. I put on my "Iron and Wine: Love and Some Verses" station, which plays melodic, acoustic, folk music. It conjures up emotions I though I had euthanized....feelings of love and vunerability. I skip to the next song....I listened to 3 songs before I was remembering how in love with Isaac and later with Josh I was, and how I opened up my soul to Josh, how I gave him every part of me and searched for more to give, and how I always felt it want ENOUGH for him! My heart starts to hurt and I start to feel my chest cooling off, inching towards cold. I paused, breathed, and shoved those feelings back down into that damp basement into which I fell after my wings were seared off. (yes thats a refrence to a poem I wrote about Josh, and how he fell out of the sky, and landed in a dark basement, and how I was trying to give him wings again) So I get angry thinking how I gave him more of myself than anyone, and how he ended it. And now hes oh so busy and cant see me. Yeah. Then I start thinking about Mike, how I texted him last night, twice, and no reply. Twice today and no reply. Its been 22 hours and I KNOW hes awake because hes been posting crap on facebook. I start re-living last Thursday night, how we talked and talked, until he pulled me close to him and we cuddled. We watched a movie and kept talking. We finished that movie, put on another one, and he fell asleep. I turned off the TV and fell asleep myself. I started thinking about what happened in the morning-which was nice.

I come over, and he meets me outside, and hugs me. I get inside, and hes got all the lights off, except a big red candle lit. Romantic atmosphere. Nothing happened that night! I dont even think we kissed that night...so its not like he called me over to his place with ulterior motives. I start looking for reaons he might just be using me or not like me....well, not using me-Id be getting *more* late night phone calls or invitations....or a phone call at all. He doesnt like to answer. He flat out told me he likes me...has for a long time....and when its just me and him, he's sweet, attentive, tells me things that seem personal. I get treated like a girl he likes, or even treated like a girlfriend. Its like he lets his gaurd down when Im around, (which is always post 1AM) and then in the morning, or the next day its like the carriage turns back into a pumpkin, and he puts on that "cool guy" façade. *rolls eyes* And I usually dont hear from him for days but its not like Im texting him either.

He IS the first guy Ive pursued who *ACTUALLY* has similar interestes, goals and dreams for the future as me....who agrees with me politically and religiously, whose self esteem is intact, and who doesnt seem to have a heavy sadness behind his eyes. Its kind of nice. If we do end up dating, it will be nice to not have to constantly try to bring up his self esteem.

Relationships: If you have to give up your hobbies/interests, friends or any big part of your life for that person, U R doin in wrong. When and if love fades, you need concrete things to talk about. If you give up something you love for someone you love, you'll always begrudge them for that-even if you dont realize it until later.


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