wolfenmachine (wolfenmachine) wrote,

  • Mood:

shes bathing in the neon, and you know everybody wants her, so I shouldnt even bother

I am SO over self loathing men with low self esteem, emotional baggage, and trust issues. The next guy had better be happy, have his life together, be headed somewhere in life and have a plan to get there. When I look into his enchanting eyes, I dont want to see a big void of darkness or sadness. Im tired of spending so SO much time trying to lift someone up *ALL* the time. Its exhausting! I want him to be understanding and trust me. I wont give him any reason to distrust me. I'll communicate and be honest, as long as he is too.

I'm not ever giving up something I love for someone I love. In the 3 years 9 months I was with Josh (and actually it was less than that....3 years even is probably more like it since we broke up twice in between) I gave up painting, digital art, and I never got back into horseback riding, like I wanted to and always said I would. I still kept up with the Windstone forum when I could. He wasn't supportive of any of my hobbies though. Since we've broken up, I find myself saying a lot, "I used to...." a lot, and finishing the sentence with something good and fun that I did prior to us getting together.

I was thinking this last night. Here's a tad bit of homework for you. Finish this statement "I dont_____________ anymore" and come up with 5 things you dont do anymore that you are better off for not doing. Aside from "syntax", "anymore" is becoming my favorite word. It shows growth and change. It can show regression too, when you put in something positive "I don't (give to charity) anymore" but put in something negative, "I dont (do drugs) anymore" and youve got growth.

I too have been treading water for the last 3-4 years with Josh, waiting on my LIFE to start, waiting on "our" LIFE together to start. Waiting on him to propose, waiting on me to get my shit together. You know what, none of that ever happened until we seperated. The Navy will be a good thing for him. If we're meant to get back together, we will. I hope he  comes back a better man-the man I saw in him all along...and I hope he realizes what a bad boyfriend he was and begs for another chance. That's 4+ years away, so Im not too worried about it right now.

Right now, I'm worried about myself. I am going to focus on myself, and see where things go with that other new guy. If they develop into a relationship (which, my all seeing eye sees that it will as long as I can keep calm and collected), then I SWEAR to myself, that I won't let our relationship interfere with school.

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